Funk

I don't know if it is the weather or what, but I am in a major funk. I am so uncreative and uninspired. I have lost my creative vision. Everything just looks bleak and grey and has no dimension.

I am overwhelmed at work and feel like I am just doing enough to get by. My passion for what I am doing is waning and is effecting every aspect of my life. I don't even care to do crafting anymore. I just spend my free time looking at what everyone else is doing and feeling even worse about my talent or lack there of these days. It seems like anyone with a computer feels/thinks they are a graphic artist. I feel like I could easily be replaced these days.

My confidence is shot. I have no idea what to do. So today I am throwing myself a pity party. I ordered myself a red velvet cupcake for breakfast to celebrate. Hopefully the clouds will part soon, both literally and figuratively, and the sun will shine for me. Until then, though I am going to drink my tea and wallow.

A Lesson in Patience

Yesterday was not a good day. But each day holds within it a lesson. Looking back, yesterday's was patience. I know I need more. I have been so tightly wound lately. I get frazzled so easily and I am just plain annoyed all the time.

Well yesterday was my breaking point. Gwen was super clingly in the morning as I was trying to get ready for work. Every time I tried to put her down she would lay/sit on the floor and bang her head off of it or the wall. I finally got myself somewhat put together and head out for the day.

We arrive at Gwen's daycare and the parking lot is a madhouse. I patiently wait my turn for someone to pull out, when this women pulls up next to me and then honks at me when I go to take the parking spot that was rightfully mine. I was so livid I actually opened my door and yelled at her. I am normally a non-confrontational person, but I just lost it yesterday. I get inside and Gwen wont let me put her down. I just had to leave her screaming on the floor. Not the way I like to by any means.

I was still a little rattled when I got to work, but a few cups of tea and a call to a dear friend helped me get back into the right frame of mind. The day ended a lot better then it began. Thankfully.

Looking back on yesterday has given me some perspective. I need to be more patient and let things go. I can not control everything no matter how hard I try. Things will get done and I will do a better job if I just take a step back and not try to rush through everything. I need to pay more attention to the details at hand and spend less time worrying about the things I can't control.

Yesterday was just another lesson, a lesson I need to continue learning from.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood. ~ Thomas Carlyle

Time

Time goes by faster with each year. I just celebrated my 35th birthday on Friday and have no idea how that can be. I don't feel 35, most days. Some days I feel 90 though! I blinked and I have been married for almost 12 years and have a 15 month old. Don't get me wrong, I love where I am in my life, for the most part. I have the most wonderful family and a job I love. I just wish we could sell our condo and get a house. The market is horrible and I don't see the condo moving anytime in the near future.

But on the bright side, the condo has afforded us the ability to travel and not have to do a lot of home improvement. With an infant/toddler there is far less for her to get into and a lot less to keep up after. The downside, however is crazy neighbors. I know you can have them anywhere, but when they live directly below you, it is a different story.

Our time will come though. I firmly believe I am where I am, because this is where I am suppose to be right now. It will all work out when it is suppose to. My half-full glass mentality. It is what gets me through.

We went to the zoo yesterday. It was such beautiful day. Gwen was so well behaved and wanted to see everything. She especially liked the penguins. I think she could have stayed there all day watching. It is days like yesterday that make everything worth it.

I told my Mom I think this was the best birthday I ever had. We didn't really do anything special. Joe, Gwen and I went to Olive Garden for dinner the night before my birthday and then went to Barnes and Noble for coffee. Gwen loved playing in the kid's area and we had so much fun watching her.

It is amazing how things change and what becomes important. The older I get the less important status and having things have become. The older I get the more I want a simple life. I want a little house on a nice piece of property. I want to learn how to knit and can vegetables. I want to spend more time with my family. I want to enjoy life. I want to experience life. I want to drink it all in, because as quickly as these 35 years have gone, the next will go even quicker.

I have been so blessed in the life I have been given. I am thankfully each and every day.

I am not...

a good blogger! I said it. I thought this would be easy. Everyday write a little something. Then I started thinking that I am a little self absorbed. No one is going to want to read about my mundane life. Weeks go by, months go by and I haven't written. Then all of a sudden I feel inspired, but then what do I write about? I am a thirty-something married woman working in the burbs. I have no exceptional skills or talents and by all accounts I am pretty average.

I used to have big dreams. I used to want to be a high powered advertising exec, but then I worked in advertising. Now I don't. I am, for the most part, happy with my life just the way it is. I like my job. I love my husband and our baby girl. I love my dog and two cats. I like my condo, but wish I had a house with a yard. The housing market is keeping me from achieving that though.

The older I get the more I realize that I work to live, I don't live to work. I will probably never go back to school, unless it is for fun. I will never make six-figures, but I am ok with that.

The older I get, the less important name brands are to me. I am all about function over fashion these days - especially with an eight-month old!

The older I get the more comfortable in my own skin I become. I am me and that is all I can be. I will never be a 5'10" supermodel - especially since I am only 5'2" and I am already thirty-something!!

I may not be inspiring anyone else in their life, giving tips on anything or have fun stories about my past to share, but I am important. I am important to my daughter, my husband, my parents, my brothers, my friends and my co-workers. This makes me blessed and so very thankful for the life I do have. My completely average life, which at times is so much bigger than I could have ever asked for.

Old Ways

I went back to writing in my journal. To me it is more personal. I feel more connected to the words as I script the letters to my liking. Sister Mary Jane would be proud of how nice my penmanship has become. I can look back at the words I have written months ago and just based on the way the words appear on the page, I can tell how I was feeling that day. My handwriting changes with my mood. I can see if it is big and fluffy and know that that day I was happy and hopeful and when my handwriting is tight and uneven I know I was frustrated. I am a very emotional person and i don't just wear my heart on my sleeve, it covers my entire body.

Sitting here typing today in the quietness of my dinning/living room, I really appreciate and miss the old ways. As much as I love my Mac, I miss a good old fashion hand written letter. I miss the anticipation that came with waiting for the mail. Now everything is instant and we have lost all sense of patience because of it.

My Grandma wrote to her sister in England every week for over 65 years. That is how they communicated. There were very few phone calls and even fewer visits, but they still were able to stay connected for all those years being all those miles apart. I remember getting excited when Grandma would get a letter in the mail. Children today I am afraid will never know that excitement.

What a lot we lost when we stopped writing letters.

You can't reread a phone call.

~Liz Carpenter

I am going to make a concerted effort to teach Gwen the art of letter writing. I know I need to do it more myself. I love stationary and pens. I actually have quite a collection of both. So as I sit here and type this, I make my resolution to send more "real" mail and less e-mail.

To send a letter is a good way to go somewhere

without moving anything but your heart.

~Phyllis Theroux

Hiatus

It has been a bit since I have had the chance to sit and write. Gwen had an ear infection, I stood up in a wedding, Joe is working crazy hours and now I have a lovely summer cold! Never a dull moment. Life on the whole is going well. Gwen is getting so big and doing so many new things each day.

We are working on getting her room decorated so we can move her out of ours. I am having a hard time with this. I love knowing she is within arms reach. I know she will just be in the next room, but it is going to be hard for me. I have a hard time letting go.

There has been no interest in our condo, so we are planning a trip for sometime in September. We are hopefully going to head out to Amelia Island, FL; Savannah, GA and Hilton Head Island, SC - all places we have lived. I can't wait to take Gwen to the beach and just relax. Joe has already created a tentative itinerary for the trip. September will be here before we know it.

I signed Gwen up for swim lessons that begin in July. I can't wait to see how she takes to the water! I

This entry is looking a lot like just random thoughts! Oh well. My head is just so full right now and all I want to do is take some cold medicine and take a nap! But I need to try and focus and get a few more things done before I call it a day.

Well Happy Monday! Hopefully my next entry will be sooner than this one.

Refreshed

I should have known that staying out of the sun for so long while I was pregnant and a long cold winter would mean that my first foray in the sun would lead to a slightly crispy exterior today. It should be better tomorrow - I hope. Besides the little discomfort, I look rather healthy. I know I should stay out of the sun and wear sunblock, but when the warm weather comes around she is a like a siren calling to me and her call has to be answered.

I had a very relaxing weekend at my parents. They live out in the country and I so enjoy going out there to get away for the hustle and bustle of my busy week. Gwen loves spending time with Grandma and Grandpa too. She never gets put down for long while there! I feel recharged when I leave there especially in the summer. Their gardens are lovely and the breeze is refreshing. Being there brings me back to a simpler time when I didn't have a care in the world. No matter how old I get Mom and Dad can make everything better. The only thing missing from making this a perfect summer weekend was Joe. He had to work - which he does most weekends in the summer. I shouldn't complain though, we are so blessed that he has a good job in this struggling economy.

So we start a new work week with a lot to look forward to. Received some really great news from my older brother on Saturday. Things are definitely on the upswing. I know this the beginning of a lot of good things for my entire family. Today as everyday, my glass is half full. I cleaned my rose colored glasses and everything looks beautiful.